You know that anxious feeling you get in anticipation of a big holiday? Worrying that you’ve forgotten something even though you know whatever you may forget you can buy wherever you are going??? Times that worry by a trillion and then add some severe stress and anxiety and that’s how it feels when you’re travelling with a neurological disease. As much as you try to think positive and pray that everything will be OK, that little asshole of doubt creeps into your head and reminds you of all the things that COULD happen while you’re in a foreign country. Most trips I’ve been on I’ve gotten sick, caught a bug, had a reaction after being bitten by something – all things that ‘normal’ people would get over quickly but with a super dodgy immune system when I catch anything it’s always ten times worse.
It is not only the worry of getting unwell that consumes you it is more who will you let down? Will I be able to keep up with everyone else? Will my body give up and stop moving? Will I be the annoying one that always needs to stop to rest? Will I be the one that lets the group down? Will I be the one that has to wait at the bottom because I can’t make it up the steps? Will I make my husband feel bad and have to leave early because I can’t function anymore? Will my husband have to carry the load because I can’t feel my arm? It has to be the worst feeling ever knowing your body can shit itself with absolutely no notice at all and the guilt of possibly ruining the trip for the other people you’re with is not a nice feeling. I am especially anxious about this trip because I haven’t been able to start new treatment which I need and I can feel my body failing me. All my doctors have said ‘enjoy your holiday, your body needs it, you will be OK and we will start treatment as soon as your back.’ Those words are super comforting but like I said that little asshole of doubt is so hard to kick. I know I’m not alone in these feelings and all our MS warriors out there know exactly what I’m talking about. Because we hide our disease so well no one ever knows how terrible we are feeling on the inside – so when we seem totally fine, the chances we are feeling horrific on the inside are pretty high. So we push through not wanting to irritate or worry anyone with us being ‘sick’ again or our limbs failing us again and again and again. Not to mention all the other lovely perks that come with a neurological disease like irritable bowels, gluten, lactose and fructose intolerances, muscle pain, fatigue, migraines etc. etc. etc. Feeling horrible and trying to hide it when in the comfort of your own home is easy because you are used to it and can just jump in your bed with a heat pack and sleep it off, but the thought of it in a foreign place is the cause of nightmares.
I have done everything in my power to prepare for this trip and brought every medication possible for all the just incasers (as seen in the image above). I now can only be positive and hope and pray that everything is going to be OK. I know it is going to be amazing and I know my body is going to throw me a solid and get its shit together for me. These are my new daily affirmations for anyone else dealing with this stress. Everything will be perfect and everything is going to be OK!!!! What you put out to the universe is what you will get back!!!
As always, keep smiling, thank you for reading and lots of love xo
Until next time,